Today started out so bad but somehow it’s 8 pm, I have my beautiful dark hair back and I am employed as of the coming fall semester!!!
The most prevalent, day-to-day part of my depression is that voice that tells me the coming day isn’t worth it before I even go to sleep. It’s crippling because it’s cunning and convincing. Sleeping in and skipping my duties for the day is better than trying to function on less sleep and hating myself all the more for it, so says this voice. Tomorrow I have an hour lecture, followed by a small reading group meeting with a prof I really love. I have to be up at 9… it’s currently 3:30am. This voice is telling me to not set an alarm, to eat a lot right now so my hunger doesn’t wake/keep me up, and to sleep as long as possible. Because I know this cycle all too well, I know that sleeping in and missing my class AND my meeting would result in guilt, anger and just a touch of self-loathing for getting myself into situations I can’t handle. But I know I can handle it. I know that the 3 hours I need to be on my feet engaging with other people won’t be utter torture. I can sleep all afternoon and all night if I have to. I can get through the day. I always get through the day.